Resolving Conflict in My LIfe!

The above is a plaque my loving younger sister gave me. If we carry this attitude around with us, then conflict will always be harder to resolve. There will always be a time when we make a mistake, or a time when we're wrong.

 Conflict in my life, is a very interesting topic to think about. There is very rarely a dull day, but it's not always conflict that causes the excitement.  As I have told my husband many times my family has always fought.  No matter the conflict an argument would usually arise.  This was in my parents, my grandparents, and between me and my sister. 

In fact, below is the only picture of my sister and I together from my wedding day.  This is comical as it was a staged photo, but in reality what most of our younger lives were like.  We decided to recreate what it would have normally been like, not knowing this would end up being the only photo of the two of us together that day. As you can see we are laughing a bit, even though a girl I use to babysit looks a little horrified in the background.

A disagreement I recently had with my husband was that he always begins one project without finishing another, or in my eyes begins to work on something that is not something that "needs" to be done "right now".  This has come up several times in recent months as we are working to repair our house from not one but two disasters.  

A predominant conflict- "Most of the first disaster damage affected the garage and surrounding yard.  Conflict- "I saw everything that needed to be done in the house in order to maintain things laundry, dishes, floors, etc.  My husband saw everything that needed to be replaced or fixed outside, due to damage".  I must admit communication has been extremely difficult with high emotions and both of us trying to maintain normalcy in our lives.  My husband has a race car, which of course needs a garage.  I was not helpful in saying, "you only want all that done so you can have a place for your race car".   I was aggressive and angry with these words.  Each time I received the response, "you think that's all I'm doing this for, fine I'll get rid of the car and I'll stop doing anything outside".  My response was usually, "fine I don't have to spend anytime out there anyway".  

This lead to a very defensive climate that was not helpful at all to either of us.  We have had a lot to work on in our communication with each other.  We have even talked with a lady, I mentioned in the last post, who specializes in relationship therapy.  (She also is excited to know that I am taking this class on communication).

Two strategies I have learned about that might help me manage or resolve the conflict more productively are working to compromise and use the non violent communication to request what I would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what I do want (rather than what I don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).

The Center for Non-Violent Communication

I could use this principle of Non-violent communication in an effort to have my needs meet, while also being open to hearing what the needs of my husband are so that his needs can also be met.  The 3 R's are also helpful to use during conflicts like this because it can be hard to be respectful and reciprocate, when needs are not being met or when there is a misunderstanding of needs.  I believe sometimes this conflict arises because there conflicting ideas and miscommunication.   Due to this class and a lot of work together on communication it is getting better.  It's not always perfect and I suspect that's okay.  Working with cooperative strategies is very helpful. These strategies benefit the relationship, serve mutual rather than individual goals, and strive to produce solutions that benefit both parties.  

O’Hair, D., & Weimann, M. (2009). Real Communication: An Introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s .