Resolving Conflict in My LIfe!

The above is a plaque my loving younger sister gave me. If we carry this attitude around with us, then conflict will always be harder to resolve. There will always be a time when we make a mistake, or a time when we're wrong.

 Conflict in my life, is a very interesting topic to think about. There is very rarely a dull day, but it's not always conflict that causes the excitement.  As I have told my husband many times my family has always fought.  No matter the conflict an argument would usually arise.  This was in my parents, my grandparents, and between me and my sister. 

In fact, below is the only picture of my sister and I together from my wedding day.  This is comical as it was a staged photo, but in reality what most of our younger lives were like.  We decided to recreate what it would have normally been like, not knowing this would end up being the only photo of the two of us together that day. As you can see we are laughing a bit, even though a girl I use to babysit looks a little horrified in the background.

A disagreement I recently had with my husband was that he always begins one project without finishing another, or in my eyes begins to work on something that is not something that "needs" to be done "right now".  This has come up several times in recent months as we are working to repair our house from not one but two disasters.  

A predominant conflict- "Most of the first disaster damage affected the garage and surrounding yard.  Conflict- "I saw everything that needed to be done in the house in order to maintain things laundry, dishes, floors, etc.  My husband saw everything that needed to be replaced or fixed outside, due to damage".  I must admit communication has been extremely difficult with high emotions and both of us trying to maintain normalcy in our lives.  My husband has a race car, which of course needs a garage.  I was not helpful in saying, "you only want all that done so you can have a place for your race car".   I was aggressive and angry with these words.  Each time I received the response, "you think that's all I'm doing this for, fine I'll get rid of the car and I'll stop doing anything outside".  My response was usually, "fine I don't have to spend anytime out there anyway".  

This lead to a very defensive climate that was not helpful at all to either of us.  We have had a lot to work on in our communication with each other.  We have even talked with a lady, I mentioned in the last post, who specializes in relationship therapy.  (She also is excited to know that I am taking this class on communication).

Two strategies I have learned about that might help me manage or resolve the conflict more productively are working to compromise and use the non violent communication to request what I would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what I do want (rather than what I don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).

The Center for Non-Violent Communication

I could use this principle of Non-violent communication in an effort to have my needs meet, while also being open to hearing what the needs of my husband are so that his needs can also be met.  The 3 R's are also helpful to use during conflicts like this because it can be hard to be respectful and reciprocate, when needs are not being met or when there is a misunderstanding of needs.  I believe sometimes this conflict arises because there conflicting ideas and miscommunication.   Due to this class and a lot of work together on communication it is getting better.  It's not always perfect and I suspect that's okay.  Working with cooperative strategies is very helpful. These strategies benefit the relationship, serve mutual rather than individual goals, and strive to produce solutions that benefit both parties.  

O’Hair, D., & Weimann, M. (2009). Real Communication: An Introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s .

Similarities and Differences in Communication Views

This week I was asked to take three Communication's Measures tests; Communication Anxiety Inventory, Verbal Aggressiveness Scale, and the Listening Styles Profile.  

The one thing that surprised me the most in these tests was on the Communication Anxiety test.  I scored a 40 putting me in the "mild" category, yet the other two people I had evaluate me, scored me in the "low"category.  I feel as though I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to speaking out in front of other people or just a superior to me.  The people who I chose to evaluate me seemed to think I do okay with that.

In the verbal category I scored a 51 placing me in the "low" category, which I might add is almost in the "moderate" category.  I believe that I probably belong more in the "moderate", than the "low" in the area of verbal aggressiveness.  This is something that I have had to work carefully on since a child.  I grew up in a family of people who did not give in easily.  So, I can say that sometimes I may be more inclined to try to change someone's mind that letting go.  I do try and stick to the facts, even when I being persuaded. 

I was on vacation this past week with my husband who got terribly sick, four teenagers, and their parents who slept in ear plugs and eye masks in a two bedroom condo type place.  Communication became very interesting especially around 3:00 am when I wanted to be asleep, but an adult really needed to be awake.  Self-monitoring came into play here, especially when the nineteen year old boy looked at me and said I wasn't his mom.  I had to take a step back because although I have watched him is whole life, of course I'm not his mom.  This conversation evolved and I actually let him do an evaluation test of me because I was curious, and he things I'm in the "moderate" verbal category too.

The Listening Styles Profile says I am in Group I - People Oriented.  I and my evaluators secured this category for me.  I am empathetic and concerned for the emotions of others.  Therefore, when my husband was sick and the place was full of noisy teenagers, I explained the way things needed to get and why we needed to go to bed.  There was also an incident where one of the girls did not make a good choice, and it had some not so good consequences that caused her friend to feel abandoned and sad.  We had a family meeting the next day with everyone, except my husband who was trying to rest trough it all, discussing how we should be respectful of people's space, things, and of them in general. Another great discussion we had was when is sarcasm appropriate, when it is not, and what about when some people get annoyed and just really might not get it.  The lady I was with on this trip is a relationship/family therapist.  When I say we had a discussion it was an hour and half of active listening and responding.  Also, lots of mirroring to place to ensure the messages were not jumbled, or misinterpreted, and everyone was being heard.  This is a very interesting way of communicating, but it allowed everyone to feel that they were heard and they belonged. 

In communication we need to know who we think we are, "our self concept, and be aware of our self-esteem, "how we feel about our-self", through this awareness we can learn to assess our abilities through self-efficacy.

Allowing myself to be concerned with the emotions of others can hinder me to a degree in communicating with others.  Sometimes we can not truly listen to someone and be active when feelings are involved.  It does help to build relationships, but as a professional it is ideal to remain as professional as possible while caring about someone's feelings.  It is important to not allow emotions to interfere, while professionalism is maintained.   This is something I have to work on because often times I see feelings first, and then I am shut off from the actuality of it.  This can also interfere in my personal life. For example, when my husband is truly trying to say he's sorry about something or just tell me something, and I am not empathetic or sympathetic to him but instead lean on my own emotions or play on his.   This is not helpful in the communication process, so it is important to know when to discuss emotion and when to let it be.

The Mason Dixon Line

I work in a small town in Tennessee an hour north of Memphis where I live.  To give you some background knowledge of myself I was born and raised in Memphis.  I lived with my grandmother and grandfather, along with my dad who was just across the street they were all originally Missourians.  Now to me, I had always thought I was pretty southern.  I "liked" sweet tea and other southern things, but you see as Paula Deen would say I was not "in love" with sweet tea, which of course is a southern thang.  Well, as many of you reading my blog are aware my parents divorced when I was seven and I never had too much to do with my mother's side of the family.  My dad's family being from the north I guess I was raised a bit confused as m husband says.  He also says the boot heel of Missouri didn't know if they were north or south then my family moved to Memphis and I'm just all mixed up.  Well, so what I don't have a distinct dialect, my husband sho nuf does.

Here's the deal, even though I work an hour north, I have never a day in my life had a southern drawl, I and for some reason those teachers do.  It's also an hour south of Missouri, so midway between Missouri and Memphis, TN.  About nine years ago I met my southern husband from Mississippi, and I mean the Delta, way south.  Greenville, MS he attended Delta State and was a KA, which of course kept up with all the southern traditions. 

I never noticed myself communicating differently with anyone I grew up in an all black neighborhood, I have numerous gay and lesbian friends, and of course I have gone to Missouri often to visit family.  No one had ever said anything about the way I sounded or the dialect I until Shane and I started dating and I began teaching.

So do I find myself communicating differently with people from different groups and cultures .. 

I do know, this was something that was brought to my attention by my sister first, then my husband, and later my colleagues.  If you could hear me I do not use a lot of southern words in conversation in general.  What I tend to do however, is talk with the language and dialect of the people in which I am speaking.   The people I work with, my colleagues, all have southern accents and use more southern dialect.  When I speak with them at work, over the phone, or over a meal I find myself using southern words.  I was accused of having a northern accent when I first began working in this small county.  A few months in, I was talking with my dad on the phone and was informed that we were yankees.  I hadn't been there but maybe a year when my family began to realize that when I spoke with the people I worked with I spoke with a southern accent.

I could not believe I had started doing this since I was dating the man I am married to now that was a true southerner with a severe southern drawal.  At any rate I had begun to speak with a southern drawal, but only to my colleagues.  I didn't do it with my husband or his family, in fact, I was always trying to correct him for the way he spoke and mispronounced words.

This week I have been learning about communicating with others without having a cultural myopia and to begin to understand the Platinum Rule.  The Platinum Rule is "do to others as they themselves would like to be treated".

According to these there are three strategies I can use to help me communicate more effectively with the people and groups I have identified.   
* I can be more aware of myself and understanding the a dialect or southern drawal are part of a persons culture.
* I can listen to others so that I can understand this language and communicate more efficiently, rather than have a dislike for it.
* I would also like to be aware of the ways in which my speech changes when speaking with others, but more importantly to try and just remain my self in conversation with them.  I would imagine by doing this I would help them to feel more comfortable knowing that my voice did not change only when speaking one on one with a person.

Through listening to others and being accepting of their language differences, I am one more step away from cultural myopia and following the platinum rule.  No one wants to be treated differently based on where they are from or the words that they use to communicate.

I have attached below a little fun survey on the north vs. south that you may wish to use to evaluate yourself.  It's just for fun and as little meaning behind it.  ENJOY!

Are you a Yankee or a Rebel?

Here are what my results told about me, 74% Dixie.  Your neck must be a just little rosy!

80's Sitcom - Diff'rent Strokes

This post is related to communication and how it may be interpreted.  I was asked to view a sitcom that I was not familiar with.  I chose Diff'rent Strokes because I haven't watched it since I was a very young child, and I really don't remember any of it.  I have heard famous lines from it on many occasions such as, "what you lookin' at Willis".  A friend of mine just recently posted this on a picture of her new baby, wide eyed gazing at the camera.  So I thought why not venture back to 80's television, after all 80's fashion right now is all the rage or "rad".  Does that word take you back?
 Step back in time with me, to visit non-verbal and verbal communication in this episode of, "The Trip" with Gary Coleman in Diff'rent Strokes. 

First I will watch the episode with the sound turned off then with it turned on.  Listed below the video, are the questions and responses from watching the episode with and without sound.  You may wish to take a shot at it yourself before reading my responses.

Without Sound

* What do you think the characters' relationships are based on the ways in which they are communicating?

I thought the relationships between them, were that they were a family.  I was confused  by whether or not the housekeeper was a housekeeper, a mom, or grandmother.  I sensed that the children all lived together in the same house from the opening credits.  I was not aware of how the family came to be since there were two Black boys, a white girl, and an older white lady and man.
The older gentlemen talked with another man on the phone who appeared to be a travel agent possibly.  He held a folder in his hand that could have been an agenda, while he was on the phone. 

* What are they feeling and expressing based on the nonverbal behavior you are observing?

They all appear very happy and very excited.  It appears the family is going on a trip, and judging by the young boy fishing, the older in scuba gear, and the young girl in a bikini I imagined the beach.  They are all laughing together, with a brotherly fight which is quickly broken up by the housekeeper.  The younger boy seems very upset about something that he expressed to the family.  He discusses it more with his brother.  They later begin laughing again.  Later they arrive at the airport, but without sound I still have no idea where they are.  They meet a man who the older man had spoken on the telephone with.  I assumed he was a travel agent, but seeing as they met at the airport and the man had two younger girl (children) with him I was not sure.  They appear excited to see each other hugging and giving friend arm slugs while laughing.  When the man with the two boys and a girl is called to the phone the expressions change and they begin to look sad.  It looks like there trip maybe be ending before it begins.  The other man with the two girls are still happy waiting on the other family who has remained by the phone.   

With Sound

* What assumptions did you make about the characters and plot based on the ways in which you interpreted the communication you observed?

I assumed they were all excited about a trip they would be taking, and that the younger boy was upset about something to do with the trip.  He did not want to fly.  Without sound I had no way of knowing the type of travel they would be taking until they were in an airport. I was wrong in assuming they were going to the beach for a trip, and that the man on the phone was a travel agent.  The man on the phone was actually an old friend of the others.   It was also to Oregon and not the beach as I had assumed.   Also, in the end they would not be ending their trip early.  The story did take a turn that would not be as happy for the families. The trip was for business and the older man would be firing the man who was a friend.  He had traveled there to meet and discuss his taking over of the radio station the other man worked for.  I assumed by their laughter and clapping they were all excited to be doing something. They were excited to go on a Spring vacation together.   I was correct about the housekeeper, that was the older lady's role.  I was also correct in that the two boys were adopted brothers. 

* Would your assumptions have been more correct if you had been watching a show you know well?

My assumptions would have been more correct if I had been watching a show I know well because I know the characters and how they interact with each other.  I also have a basic idea on shows I watch of the relationship between characters and what the stories are about.  Not having seen this show and not knowing the characters other than through a few famous remarks, it was difficult without sound to know what was actually taking place. 

It is important to look at body language and facial expressions when listening to someone communicate.  Being able to hear is an advantage when determining what someone is saying or doing.  My "aha" moment was when I realized I had no idea what this program was actually about.  It is important to not only listen, but pay attention to detail.  Here the young boy did not want to fly and express his concern for that very dramatically by shaking his head no, waving his arms to signal no way no how, and sitting in a chair with a stern look on his face.  In the end this expression and feeling changed when he came off the plane pretending to fly.  When someone ask why the rest of his family didn't look good he jokingly said, "some people just can't take flying".  

Assuming without hearing and understanding can lead to very different truths.