Similarities and Differences in Communication Views

This week I was asked to take three Communication's Measures tests; Communication Anxiety Inventory, Verbal Aggressiveness Scale, and the Listening Styles Profile.  

The one thing that surprised me the most in these tests was on the Communication Anxiety test.  I scored a 40 putting me in the "mild" category, yet the other two people I had evaluate me, scored me in the "low"category.  I feel as though I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to speaking out in front of other people or just a superior to me.  The people who I chose to evaluate me seemed to think I do okay with that.

In the verbal category I scored a 51 placing me in the "low" category, which I might add is almost in the "moderate" category.  I believe that I probably belong more in the "moderate", than the "low" in the area of verbal aggressiveness.  This is something that I have had to work carefully on since a child.  I grew up in a family of people who did not give in easily.  So, I can say that sometimes I may be more inclined to try to change someone's mind that letting go.  I do try and stick to the facts, even when I being persuaded. 

I was on vacation this past week with my husband who got terribly sick, four teenagers, and their parents who slept in ear plugs and eye masks in a two bedroom condo type place.  Communication became very interesting especially around 3:00 am when I wanted to be asleep, but an adult really needed to be awake.  Self-monitoring came into play here, especially when the nineteen year old boy looked at me and said I wasn't his mom.  I had to take a step back because although I have watched him is whole life, of course I'm not his mom.  This conversation evolved and I actually let him do an evaluation test of me because I was curious, and he things I'm in the "moderate" verbal category too.

The Listening Styles Profile says I am in Group I - People Oriented.  I and my evaluators secured this category for me.  I am empathetic and concerned for the emotions of others.  Therefore, when my husband was sick and the place was full of noisy teenagers, I explained the way things needed to get and why we needed to go to bed.  There was also an incident where one of the girls did not make a good choice, and it had some not so good consequences that caused her friend to feel abandoned and sad.  We had a family meeting the next day with everyone, except my husband who was trying to rest trough it all, discussing how we should be respectful of people's space, things, and of them in general. Another great discussion we had was when is sarcasm appropriate, when it is not, and what about when some people get annoyed and just really might not get it.  The lady I was with on this trip is a relationship/family therapist.  When I say we had a discussion it was an hour and half of active listening and responding.  Also, lots of mirroring to place to ensure the messages were not jumbled, or misinterpreted, and everyone was being heard.  This is a very interesting way of communicating, but it allowed everyone to feel that they were heard and they belonged. 

In communication we need to know who we think we are, "our self concept, and be aware of our self-esteem, "how we feel about our-self", through this awareness we can learn to assess our abilities through self-efficacy.

Allowing myself to be concerned with the emotions of others can hinder me to a degree in communicating with others.  Sometimes we can not truly listen to someone and be active when feelings are involved.  It does help to build relationships, but as a professional it is ideal to remain as professional as possible while caring about someone's feelings.  It is important to not allow emotions to interfere, while professionalism is maintained.   This is something I have to work on because often times I see feelings first, and then I am shut off from the actuality of it.  This can also interfere in my personal life. For example, when my husband is truly trying to say he's sorry about something or just tell me something, and I am not empathetic or sympathetic to him but instead lean on my own emotions or play on his.   This is not helpful in the communication process, so it is important to know when to discuss emotion and when to let it be.

The Mason Dixon Line

I work in a small town in Tennessee an hour north of Memphis where I live.  To give you some background knowledge of myself I was born and raised in Memphis.  I lived with my grandmother and grandfather, along with my dad who was just across the street they were all originally Missourians.  Now to me, I had always thought I was pretty southern.  I "liked" sweet tea and other southern things, but you see as Paula Deen would say I was not "in love" with sweet tea, which of course is a southern thang.  Well, as many of you reading my blog are aware my parents divorced when I was seven and I never had too much to do with my mother's side of the family.  My dad's family being from the north I guess I was raised a bit confused as m husband says.  He also says the boot heel of Missouri didn't know if they were north or south then my family moved to Memphis and I'm just all mixed up.  Well, so what I don't have a distinct dialect, my husband sho nuf does.

Here's the deal, even though I work an hour north, I have never a day in my life had a southern drawl, I and for some reason those teachers do.  It's also an hour south of Missouri, so midway between Missouri and Memphis, TN.  About nine years ago I met my southern husband from Mississippi, and I mean the Delta, way south.  Greenville, MS he attended Delta State and was a KA, which of course kept up with all the southern traditions. 

I never noticed myself communicating differently with anyone I grew up in an all black neighborhood, I have numerous gay and lesbian friends, and of course I have gone to Missouri often to visit family.  No one had ever said anything about the way I sounded or the dialect I until Shane and I started dating and I began teaching.

So do I find myself communicating differently with people from different groups and cultures .. 

I do know, this was something that was brought to my attention by my sister first, then my husband, and later my colleagues.  If you could hear me I do not use a lot of southern words in conversation in general.  What I tend to do however, is talk with the language and dialect of the people in which I am speaking.   The people I work with, my colleagues, all have southern accents and use more southern dialect.  When I speak with them at work, over the phone, or over a meal I find myself using southern words.  I was accused of having a northern accent when I first began working in this small county.  A few months in, I was talking with my dad on the phone and was informed that we were yankees.  I hadn't been there but maybe a year when my family began to realize that when I spoke with the people I worked with I spoke with a southern accent.

I could not believe I had started doing this since I was dating the man I am married to now that was a true southerner with a severe southern drawal.  At any rate I had begun to speak with a southern drawal, but only to my colleagues.  I didn't do it with my husband or his family, in fact, I was always trying to correct him for the way he spoke and mispronounced words.

This week I have been learning about communicating with others without having a cultural myopia and to begin to understand the Platinum Rule.  The Platinum Rule is "do to others as they themselves would like to be treated".

According to these there are three strategies I can use to help me communicate more effectively with the people and groups I have identified.   
* I can be more aware of myself and understanding the a dialect or southern drawal are part of a persons culture.
* I can listen to others so that I can understand this language and communicate more efficiently, rather than have a dislike for it.
* I would also like to be aware of the ways in which my speech changes when speaking with others, but more importantly to try and just remain my self in conversation with them.  I would imagine by doing this I would help them to feel more comfortable knowing that my voice did not change only when speaking one on one with a person.

Through listening to others and being accepting of their language differences, I am one more step away from cultural myopia and following the platinum rule.  No one wants to be treated differently based on where they are from or the words that they use to communicate.

I have attached below a little fun survey on the north vs. south that you may wish to use to evaluate yourself.  It's just for fun and as little meaning behind it.  ENJOY!

Are you a Yankee or a Rebel?

Here are what my results told about me, 74% Dixie.  Your neck must be a just little rosy!

80's Sitcom - Diff'rent Strokes

This post is related to communication and how it may be interpreted.  I was asked to view a sitcom that I was not familiar with.  I chose Diff'rent Strokes because I haven't watched it since I was a very young child, and I really don't remember any of it.  I have heard famous lines from it on many occasions such as, "what you lookin' at Willis".  A friend of mine just recently posted this on a picture of her new baby, wide eyed gazing at the camera.  So I thought why not venture back to 80's television, after all 80's fashion right now is all the rage or "rad".  Does that word take you back?
 Step back in time with me, to visit non-verbal and verbal communication in this episode of, "The Trip" with Gary Coleman in Diff'rent Strokes. 

First I will watch the episode with the sound turned off then with it turned on.  Listed below the video, are the questions and responses from watching the episode with and without sound.  You may wish to take a shot at it yourself before reading my responses.

Without Sound

* What do you think the characters' relationships are based on the ways in which they are communicating?

I thought the relationships between them, were that they were a family.  I was confused  by whether or not the housekeeper was a housekeeper, a mom, or grandmother.  I sensed that the children all lived together in the same house from the opening credits.  I was not aware of how the family came to be since there were two Black boys, a white girl, and an older white lady and man.
The older gentlemen talked with another man on the phone who appeared to be a travel agent possibly.  He held a folder in his hand that could have been an agenda, while he was on the phone. 

* What are they feeling and expressing based on the nonverbal behavior you are observing?

They all appear very happy and very excited.  It appears the family is going on a trip, and judging by the young boy fishing, the older in scuba gear, and the young girl in a bikini I imagined the beach.  They are all laughing together, with a brotherly fight which is quickly broken up by the housekeeper.  The younger boy seems very upset about something that he expressed to the family.  He discusses it more with his brother.  They later begin laughing again.  Later they arrive at the airport, but without sound I still have no idea where they are.  They meet a man who the older man had spoken on the telephone with.  I assumed he was a travel agent, but seeing as they met at the airport and the man had two younger girl (children) with him I was not sure.  They appear excited to see each other hugging and giving friend arm slugs while laughing.  When the man with the two boys and a girl is called to the phone the expressions change and they begin to look sad.  It looks like there trip maybe be ending before it begins.  The other man with the two girls are still happy waiting on the other family who has remained by the phone.   

With Sound

* What assumptions did you make about the characters and plot based on the ways in which you interpreted the communication you observed?

I assumed they were all excited about a trip they would be taking, and that the younger boy was upset about something to do with the trip.  He did not want to fly.  Without sound I had no way of knowing the type of travel they would be taking until they were in an airport. I was wrong in assuming they were going to the beach for a trip, and that the man on the phone was a travel agent.  The man on the phone was actually an old friend of the others.   It was also to Oregon and not the beach as I had assumed.   Also, in the end they would not be ending their trip early.  The story did take a turn that would not be as happy for the families. The trip was for business and the older man would be firing the man who was a friend.  He had traveled there to meet and discuss his taking over of the radio station the other man worked for.  I assumed by their laughter and clapping they were all excited to be doing something. They were excited to go on a Spring vacation together.   I was correct about the housekeeper, that was the older lady's role.  I was also correct in that the two boys were adopted brothers. 

* Would your assumptions have been more correct if you had been watching a show you know well?

My assumptions would have been more correct if I had been watching a show I know well because I know the characters and how they interact with each other.  I also have a basic idea on shows I watch of the relationship between characters and what the stories are about.  Not having seen this show and not knowing the characters other than through a few famous remarks, it was difficult without sound to know what was actually taking place. 

It is important to look at body language and facial expressions when listening to someone communicate.  Being able to hear is an advantage when determining what someone is saying or doing.  My "aha" moment was when I realized I had no idea what this program was actually about.  It is important to not only listen, but pay attention to detail.  Here the young boy did not want to fly and express his concern for that very dramatically by shaking his head no, waving his arms to signal no way no how, and sitting in a chair with a stern look on his face.  In the end this expression and feeling changed when he came off the plane pretending to fly.  When someone ask why the rest of his family didn't look good he jokingly said, "some people just can't take flying".  

Assuming without hearing and understanding can lead to very different truths.  

 

A Competent Communicator

Pastor Emily Matheny was the preacher at my church, Highland Heights United Methodist, for eight years before being transferred to Christ United Methodist a little over a year ago.  In the United Methodist Church it is customary practice for the ministers to move from church to church.
During the time she served at Highland Heights we had many conversations.  The last four years she served was during a very difficult time for me so we became closer.

Mrs. Emily as we called her, demonstrates competent communication as a pastor, friend, mother, and teacher.  She was always willing to sit down and listen, but if she knew she was not available to listen she scheduled another time.  She always made time to ensure she was fully understanding the purpose of the conversation if it was for help or just to listen and share in concern or celebration.  She was honest with her communication through conversation.  I would hope that I do model some of my communication after Mrs. Emily.  She listened first, then asked questions, waited for a response, and sometimes gave an opinion.  She often encouraged me to seek out my answers rather than giving them to me.  She was a school principal before entering the ministry, and I can imagine she was encouraging to the children in a classroom as she was to me.  She was sympathetic, empathetic, honest, trustworthy, and respectful when communicating with others.  She never seemed demanding even when presenting the scriptures or sermons.
I had to call on her many times during her last four years as I mentioned earlier, and never once did I feel like I was neglected or misunderstood.  I felt like we could talk in conversation with a purpose or in general.  Her personality was to care and nurture.  Mrs. Emily is a pastor so she always tries to live by a code of ethics.  I'm sure she was lead by her own morals and values, and she encourages strong Christian morals and values in others. 
Just a few of the conversations we had of me graduating from college and finding a teaching job.  I took care of my grandmother, who also attended this church, for three years before her passing.  In the Fall of that year I got married, shortly after that my dad got married, and the following weekend my mother passed away.  I then began working on the Master's degree I am pursuing now, and through all of this she was encouraging and very hopeful for my future. 
She has a daughter my age so there were many stories and laughs shared.  The conversations were always open with active listening all the way around.

 The above pictures are from my rehearsal and wedding October 10, 2009, in which, Mrs. Emily Matheny officiated.

Professional Hopes and Goals

This post is in response to the end of an eight week course on Perspective Diversity and Equity.

"WE ARE THE WORLD"

At the beginning of the course we were asked to watch several videos from Playing for a Change songs included in those videos were "One Love", "War/No More Troubles", "Imagine", and "Equal Rights". 

Thinking about what I have learned in this course and ways to stand up and make a change I began thinking of other songs that send this same message.  As an early childhood educator I hope to make a difference in the lives of families, children, the educational learning environments, and within the communities I work.   "We are the World"  is the first some that came to mind.  Of course upon searching for video I came across the original, then the many times across the world the song was used, along with the most recent version remade for the devastating earthquake in Haiti.   I finally found this wonderful rendition with pictures of children.  

One hope that I have when I think about working with children and families who come from diverse backgrounds I would like to communicate with them by listening to them and hearing the families goals for their children.  I hope to keep an un-bias open mind with regards to the backgrounds.  I think often times when hope and insist that they conform to our culture and our needs, and I am working to put myself in their shoes.  I have never been to another country and I can't imagine what it would be like to move and begin school outside of my culture.  These families have dreams for their children just as American families have dreams for their children.   One hope to remain open and sincere about hearing these families and communicating with them to insure they feel welcome.

One goal you would like to set for the early childhood field related to issues of diversity, equity, and social justice is encouraging ece colleagues to be mindful of their biases and careful not to judge, but rather do their best to include all families.  Also, to share their ideas with one another on ways to incorporate diversity into the field.  As I have learned in this class, something I have seen many times, diversity is more than just a book with children of another race.  I believe this is the easy way out to say "yes I have diversity in my classroom" when in actuality you don't really.  One goal to stand up and make a difference through discussing with colleagues ways to change.  To standup for bias statements that I hear in and around me.

I would like to say thank you to all of my colleagues that I have worked with in the last eight weeks. We have worked hard and come a long way, I have really enjoyed reading everyone's blogs and discussion posts.  Together we can make a difference one small step that each of us takes adds up to one big step.  Reminds me of Neil Armstrong and his walk on the moon.  Also, another song that comes time is posted below. 

 
"Joyful Noise" - THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

Welcoming Families From Around the World

Background Info. for this Post - I have been asked to think of a scenario for this week for a class in social justices and diversity. For this scenario, I will be working with a family in an Early Childhood setting of my choice.  
I know nothing about this country, but I chose it because when some of my ancestors came over they came from what was Bohemia at that time.  It is now the Czech Republic.  So I thought why not start there.  As I was doing this I thought about the boy from my family who came over on a boat under a lady's dress in order to escape, from what I don't know.  This could not have been an easy adjustment for him, while he had left his royal family behind and hidden with a servant lady.  He was nine when he arrived. What did the United States entail?  I'm sure it's difficult for children even today.  I figure this assignment would give me a starting place to find out about this country.  The story above is all I've ever known about it. 

Czech Republic
Just arriving in the United States from the Czech Republic is a family that I will be working with this year in our Early Childhood Program.
Preparing myself to be culturally responsive towards this family 

1)  I would look up the language of the country and try and learn at least hello and goodbye along with a few other phrases that would be welcoming to family.
Possible one to let them know that I do not speak Czech -Nemluvím česky .
Hello - Dobrý den
Goodbye -Na shledanou
These and other phrases can be found at Czech Phrases

2)  I would research what the social system of the Czech Republic was like,  the education system, the religions, and the government.  This would help me to get a better idea of what the family had been exposed to in their home culture.   

3)  I would plan a home visit with a translator if one was available and if not would do my best to translate what I could.  I would also ask around to find out if there were places in the community, in which, I could find services for them that would be helpful and put them in touch with those.

4)   I would prepare things in my classroom from their culture words, pictures, or items.  I would also check into foods for snacks. 

5)    I will prepare myself to listen to the family and be understanding of their needs and frustrations, as I'm sure there will be some.  I will work to find ways to connect with this family and not over step their beliefs on parenting.  I will work to with them to help them feel like they are apart of our environment through, language, discipline, and participation.

6)  Look into Early Childhood organizations in the Czech Republic and ways to connect to professionals there. 

It is my hope that these preparations will benefit both me and the family. 

Preparing to work with a family who is from a different country and background than mine or one I am familiar with would be quite the challenge.  Knowing that there are 195 different countries that exist in the world today, and according to the U.S. census bureau the United States' population includes individuals and families from 150 of those there is is good possibility that I will be working with many children that I can not culturally relate too.   I hope that these preparations will allow me to get to know the family and what their goals are for their child's education.   Getting to know them and their social identities will help me form an educational environment that is friendly and welcoming for them.  What I learn through research may also form some biases within myself or bring about some that I was not aware of.  Knowing my background and what I have experienced personally I will be able to set these aside and get to know this family.  I will work through the research to understand things and form partnerships with not only this family but possibly early childhood professionals in the Czech Republic. 

Helpful Web Resources for connecting to the Czech Republic 

Hello Czech Republic 

European Union

Bias, Prejudice, & Oppression - A Personal Side

Age & Sex Related
Just recently in having my house worked on I was talking with someone that would be moving our things out while we have some work done.  While he was working at my house he received a phone call from his 16 year old son.   He asked if I had any children.  I said no but I have one that hangs around that's 16 and driving.  His son had complained to him that he needed to have his breaks looked at, so his dad told him to take it somewhere.  He did then called his dad.  The shop he took it to found nothing wrong with the breaks but found several other things that needed fixing.   His father was convinced the shop had taken advantage of him because of his age. 
This got me to thinking about this class on diversity and the things we have learned and discussed.
I have also experienced age discrimination and bias as it relates to the world of car repairs.  Often as a women I have gone in to get new tires and something looked at with no intention of purchasing anything, but tires. 
I remember at about the age of 18 or so going in and being offered several things for my front end (of the car).   I didn't feel anything wrong and my dad did most of the work on my car.  He hadn't mentioned anything.  I ask the guy at the counter if it was something that could be done at home.  He said well it would be difficult, it requires heavy lifting and tools that I may not have.  I told him my dad had changed the transmission in my car so he could probably do it.  The man didn't ask anything else after that, he fixed my tires and I left.  When I got home I told my dad what happened and he said they were probably just trying to sell me that because I was a girl and didn't know any better  (sexism), and because I was young (ageism).   I did mention that a saw another man come in he got new tires and he left, no problem.  There was another woman there just for an oil change and they told her she needed new tires too.

I also purchased a new car a couple of years ago.  I went and looked with a girl friend at first before taking my husband.  Why because I like to look and shop and he doesn't.  So I thought why not look then take him.  When I went with a girlfriend they were quick to show me anything I wanted, but hesitant to show me under the hood.  When I took my husband they asked him to raise the hood, and take a look.  I was interested, after all I would be driving it and putting gas in it.  I was most interested in the spare was it a doughnut or a full spare.  I can change a tire along with other small mechanic things on a car.  

The bias and prejudice in these incidents diminished equity by not treating young drivers and women the same as men.   

• A frequent gesture of sexism is that "women can't work on cars and don't know anything about them."   This diminishes equity and can make women feel they are not appreciated in the automobile industry. 

•  In buying a car "they just want it too look good".  Well who doesn't.  

• A young driver gets the ageism comment "they parents are probably giving them the money" or "daddy's buying". 
•   I worked as a teen and I didn't appreciate those comments at all.  If it broke I had to fix it or pay to have it fixed.

This made me feel like I was not suppose to be capable of learning about cars, working on cars, or even smart enough to know when I'm being jerked around when purchasing things for my car.

The employees who are selling cars, car parts, and mechanics need to change to not make offers about things unless it is specifically ask and when make offers make them to everyone.  I understand that in this business like any other it is about making money.  The man offering me could have said I think you might need to have what ever the part was looked at and then left it to me.  Instead of saying this needs to be replaced would it be ok if we fixed that for you.  A lot of negativity come from the way things are worded.  Sometimes this can come from women towards women as much as from men.   The salesmen and the industry in general would need to change some of their own biases and work toward becoming an anti-bias environment just as teachers are working toward making a diverse filled anti-bias learning environment.